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Writing > Journalism > Bazuba Magazine
PUBLICATION: Bazuba Magazine
DATE: January 2004
SECTION: Bazuba 101
By Tom Interval
Riddle for the day: What do a pair of feet, a beer and a female chest have in common? You guessed it: When they’re flat, it’s tough to fix them. Repairing a flat tire, on the other hand, isn’t so complex.
Sure, your ultra-confident demeanor might have everyone believing you’re a guy’s guy, capable of performing super-human feats at a whim. But you’re not fooling me. You’re just a mere mortal who very possibly hasn’t learned the manly art of fixing a flat.
If that’s the case, fear not, my effeminate friend. BAZUBA 101 is here to show you how to change a flat tire without looking like a whimpering pansy in front of some chick you’re trying to impress on a date.
There’s no way around it. To earn your right of passage into manhood, you have to have the right equipment. Otherwise, a flat tire will catch you off guard when you least expect it. So make sure the following tools are in your trunk:
- Properly inflated spare tire
- Jack with all parts
- Lug wrench
- Large, half-inch-thick board
- Screwdriver
- Flashlight
- Can of WD-40
So you and your date are cruising along in your 1991 Mazda listening to Limp Bizkit, and BOUFFFF-thump-thump-thump-thump-thump! “Son of a…,” you say as your car suddenly swerves toward the yellow lines. But you have the presence of mind to ease off the gas and ever-so-gently apply the brakes, allowing the car to come to a steady halt on the nearest level surface as far off the road as possible. That’s the right way to handle a tire blowout. (What not to do: Violently slam on the brakes, scream like a two-year-old girl and collide with oncoming traffic.)
You both get out of the car. Without showing an ounce of emotion, despite the fact that you’re justifiably shaken, you confidently walk back to the trunk and remove the tools previously listed. Of course, earlier, you hid a copy of this article in the trunk as a handy cheat sheet in the event of being too stressed to think clearly on your own. Now it’s just a matter of following these simple steps:
- Your car should already be in park (or gear if you have a manual transmission).
- Set the emergency brakes, turn on the hazard lights and, if needed, turn on the flashlight and aim it toward the flat tire.
- If possible, place wedges or rocks behind and in front of the tire diagonally opposite the flat tire.
- If applicable, carefully pry off the hubcap with the flat end of the lug wrench or screwdriver and set it nearby.
- Loosen the lug nuts with the lug wrench (usually in a counterclockwise motion), but don’t remove them yet. If the nuts are too tight to loosen by hand, use your foot to push on the wrench. Use WD-40 to loosen super-rusty nuts that just won’t budge.
- Position the jack under the vehicle close to the flat tire in a solid location that will be strong enough to support the weight of the car. This location is usually next to the flat tire toward the middle of the car. When in doubt, check your owner’s manual for the exact position. If you’re on a soft surface, put the board under the jack first.
- Jack up the car until the flat tire is about three or four inches off the ground. Check the underside to make sure the car is resting securely on the jack. While the vehicle is elevated, don’t open the doors, sit on the hood, get under the car or jar anything.
- Remove the lug nuts with the lug wrench and place the nuts inside the hubcap for safekeeping.
- Pull the flat tire straight toward you, completely off, and set it aside.
- Hold the spare tire in front of the wheel well with the air valve facing you, align the holes in the center of the spare with the bolts on the car and push the tire straight on until it stops.
- Replace the lug nuts and tighten them by hand just enough to hold the tire in place.
- Lower the car with the jack.
- Tighten the lug nuts with the lug wrench as tightly as you can. Be sure to tighten them in a crisscross pattern as you go (that is, tighten one, then tighten the one diagonally across from the one you just tightened and so on).
- Replace the hubcap, tapping it into place with the palm of your hand.
- Remove the wedges or rocks from the blocked wheel if applicable.
- Put all the tools and the flat tire into the trunk.
- Drive to the nearest service center as soon as possible to have the flat tire (now in your trunk) repaired or replaced. Don’t forget to have them place the spare tire back in your trunk for the next emergency. And check the spare tire’s pressure about once a month when you check the pressure of the other tires to be sure it will be ready the next time you need it.
So there you have it. Seventeen easy steps that will save your butt if your tire unexpectedly deflates at the worst possible time. Just remember: Be prepared, don’t act like an out-of-control sissy if you do have an emergency and, please, don’t use Fix-A-Flat foam. After all, you need to preserve that virile reputation you worked so hard to achieve. Don’t blow it.
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