PUBLICATION: Bazuba Magazine
DATE: January 2004
SECTION: Coed

WHAT GIRLS WANT
By Tom Interval

Christina Aguilera sang about it. Mel Gibson starred in a romantic comedy centered around it. And guys have been trying to figure it out for more than two million years.

No, I’m not talking about how to get a chick under the covers or to find the best remedy for a hangover. I’m referring to the one question you’ve probably asked yourself since you were old enough to grow hair on your hands: What do women really want from us?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not claiming to be some smooth-operating double-o seven with a parade of submissive girls at my feet marveling at how well I understand them. Hell, I’m not even claiming to have more insight on the subject than you. But I’ve worked the numbers over the years, done the research and have some humbling conclusions to share with you.

THE UPSHOT

In prehistoric times, a man didn’t have to care whether or not a woman thought he was a good catch. If she pointed out the qualities he lacked, he could beat her over the head with a club, which, in her eyes, would be a fair tradeoff since he was the provider. Maybe you handle relationships the same way as the cave creeps of yesteryear. But for those of us who are civilized and have even a trace of respect for the opposite sex, it’s not so easy.

So what’s the upshot? What traits and behaviors do women value in us? Well, I’m sorry to say that today’s females aren’t much different from their primitive anscestors—a sobering irony that torments many men who have a lot to offer but who lack the physical characteristics and personality many women demand.

WHAT THEY WANT

If you flat-out ask a girl what male traits she finds attractive, don’t be surprised if she tells you something she thinks you want to hear instead of something closer to reality. But it’s not her fault. She might simply be embarrassed by the truth or not even be aware of it. Either way, she’ll probably have a strong opinion about it.

You can test this by walking around campus and randomly asking women for their perspectives. Naturally, they’ll think it’s a ploy to get laid; but you can set them straight by inviting them to your dorm room to show them just how serious you are about the research (wink, wink). But I digress.

So what makes most girls go ape over guys? Although the answer varies from woman to woman, I’ve concluded that there are only a few key traits men must have if they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives alone.

Okay, here’s the unvarnished truth: Girls are innately attracted to alpha males—tall, muscular, often Neanderthal-type men who exude enough confidence to make even Arnold Schwarzenegger blush. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. But primal urges fueled by the ancient circuitry burned into a woman’s DNA are as unstoppable as a man’s evolution-induced drive to have sex with as many women as he can.

Now just to clarify, alpha males don’t always have rippling six-packs and colossal biceps. By today’s standards, an alpha might also be someone with a lot of money and power. The main point here is that girls want to be with guys who make them feel secure. And physical size only enhances this.

“I will not date someone shorter than me,” says Dana Kroetsch, a sophomore at Robert Morris University, located just outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. “I prefer guys who are not really scrawny; my boyfriend is six four.” Maggie Giles, also a sophomore at Robert Morris, likes athletic guys. “Not real huge, but muscular,” she says. “He’s got to be able to pick me up without too much effort.”

EVOLUTIONARY, MY DEAR WATSON

A few years ago, the journal Nature published a study done in Wroclaw, Poland, showing that taller men are more likely to marry and have children. Researchers studied the medical records of about 3,200 men ages 25 to 60 and concluded three things. First, they found that men without kids were, on average, 1.2 inches shorter than men with at least one child. Second, bachelors were about an inch shorter, on average, than married men. And third, tall men in their 20s, 30s and 40s had more children than the shorter men.

What does it all mean? In a nutshell, most women are all about guys who are taller than they are, something researchers believe to be true across all cultures. Robin I.M. Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Liverpool and the study’s co-author, told the Associated Press (AP) that "height is a proxy for other variables that women find desirable: Men who can protect them, provide them with resources, have good social status and aren’t easily dominated by other men." Interested in learning more? Check out the study at www.nature.com.

SO WHAT ELSE?

Besides height, brawn, unwavering confidence and other characteristics that make women feel secure, there’s an infinite number of other traits girls expect us to have. I’ve listed some of the more reasonable ones in the chart below. But consider yourself warned: They’re mere peripherals that rank way below the issues discussed in the previous paragraphs.

Remember, no matter how intellectually or technologically advanced our world becomes, the fundamental instincts hardwired into a girl’s genetic makeup will never change. That is the true essence of what women really want.

WHAT THEY WANT	CORRECTIVE ACTION IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT
Height (5'9" minimum)	Undergo surgery to lengthen your femurs.
Brawn	Buy Arnold’s bodybuilding encyclopedia and shtaut puhmpin’.
Confidence	Correct all physical and psychological abnormalities.
Rough bad boy	Don’t shave or shower for one month, buy a Harley and get arrested.
Firm abs and butt	Lay off the Little Debbies, dude.
Nice hands	Stop putting your fingers in the garbage disposal.
Honesty	Tell her when she looks ugly.
Athletic ability	Make more trips to the fridge.
Blue or brown eyes	Get iris-replacement surgery.
Nice smile	Stop chewing on razorblades.
Sense of humor	Ask your boss for a raise.
Messy hair	Thrust your finger into an electrical outlet.
Deep voice	Take broadcasting lessons and start smoking.
Musical ability	Turn on the radio.
Good listener	Get a hearing aid.
Thoughtful	Remember her birthday, then buy yourself a gift.
Attentive	Quit asking "What?" after everything she says.
Responsible	Stay in town while on parole.
Good lover	Have daily sex with at least 50 different partners.
Adventurous	Eat imported green onions.
Romantic	Dedicate a suicide note to her.
Good eye contact	Stare at her for 20 minutes.
Sensitive	Receive daily estrogen injections.
Pouty lips	Put your lower lip in a vice for six months.
Sources: Traits in left column were gleaned from a stack of girls’ magazines, online forums, personal interviews and common sense.