LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING Christopher Welsh WHY I HATE ORLANDO BLOOM First of all, what's there to love? This punk kid breaks his back, baffles the doctors by walking out of the hospital when they told him he would never walk again (they always say that), lands the job as the bona fide action hero of the greatest triology blockbuster of the century, gets to learn how to 'get Middle Earth' on people, looks good with long blonde hair, pals around with Liv Tyler, and makes my girlfriend forget I'm in the room. Cause he's a bastard, that's why. WHEEEEEEW. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last four years, waiting for just this moment, when I can say, with all confidence, that Peter Jackson did not screw up the greatest fantasy epic of all time. What he did instead was to pull off arguably the greatest directorial feat known to man. Most know the story by now—18 months of filming, three movies back to back, each a major blockbuster in its own right. Struggling with the knowledge that, as majestic as Tolkien's masterpiece was, it just didn't translate directly to cinema: Jackson was going to have to (::shudder::) invent material to go with the story. And I don't just mean dialog, but whole swaths of conversation and events that just didn't happen in the novels. With as rabid a fan base The Lord of the Rings boasted, it was a huge risk. The screenplay credits don't go to Jackson alone, which means the burden was shared as well. Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens also penned the script, moving events from one book to another, cutting (and cutting, and cutting) parts of the story to make it all fit. This movie, like the two before it, suffered a bit from the pacing. There were times when so much happened so fast, you barely had time to register that x was happening when the scene shifted; and you now had to digest x. But this, like the changes to the screenplay, was a necessary evil. How else was ol' PJ going to squeeze it all in? Accepting these peccadilloes, the plot was well crafted for the screen, with most subplots carrying to an acceptable resolution. (Don't get me started on Sauruman.) ROTK was groundbreaking in many ways, not the least of which is that elves everywhere can assertively cast aside the stereotypes of wimpy, frolicking, carbohydrate pushers...because LEGOLAS is the MAN. Whatever your level of geek-dom (quick test- did you see Leggy take out a big elephant, or a Mumakil?) you have to admit that was the best David and Goliath act since Luke took down the AT-ATs on Hoth. Not to mention playing straight to Gimili's cantankerous outburst. The very same scene is one of my top three favorites that show off the unreal camera work of Director of Photography Andrew Lesnie. Second, also tops for dramatic effect: When Faramir rode to what was surly his death while his father, Denethor, feasted and Pippen sang. But the all-time showcase: (Faramir leads the remenant from the captured city of Osgilith, hounded by three terrors of the sky, the Nazgul, the Ringwraiths. There is no hope they will reach Minas Tirith before they are overcome. The camera follows a speeding Gandalf, astride Shadowfax, as they approach from the flank. The White Rider raises his staff and a shaft of pure light strikes the Ringwraiths, causing them to forgo their prey. The camera swings to stay behind Gandalf as he turns to join the head of the column in a sweeping shot.) Simply awesome. Outside of the 'errors' in the production and presentation caused by time constraints and the unwieldy task of converting LOTR to the screen, there were a few stylistic objections. Most notably the MOST uncomfortable lingering looks and pregnant pauses between Frodo and Sam. (Elijah dear, I double-checked to be sure, but Mr. Frodo was not gay.) The ending was touch and go, with the less-rabid fans getting exasperated with the number of false-ends (especially those who's bladders were about to give up the ghost). Tolkien wrote LOTR with the same sensibility and understanding of what was important as he lived his life; as such, Jackson's choice of ending was perfect. Just as in the book, just as in life, when all the great powers have finished their battles and settled down, life returns to normal. Well done, PJ. I think JRRT would have been proud.